Monthly Archives: October 2015

I Choose Love

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the lesson is always love

I have been in love with four men; each of them very different in looks and stature, and dozens of other ways, but all managed to find a place in my heart. There is a common thread that exists with all of my loves; we were friends before I fell in love with them. As a friend, I did not try to hide my flaws and win them over, as one might do in pursuit of a romance. They also came to the friendship without pretense. They knew me, and I knew them, flaws and all, and from friendship love grew.

Recently, over the course of a few months, I connected with my first three loves, as unexpectedly as when I first fell in love with them. Each encounter has resulted in a flood of delicious memories of happy, funny, sexy, transforming times that I am so grateful to have experienced. Don’t get me wrong; there were painful times – some truly shitty times; they are part of the transforming category. Each of these men broke my heart, but I don’t regret loving them; not one bit.

The surprising deluge of memories has caused me to reconnect to a part of myself that I had put to sleep: reviving my heart to recall love, long dormant, and reminding me that while I am pretty fabulous on my own, I am truly at my very best when I am in love.  I have arrived at the conclusion that love does not die. I can suppress or repress love, and relegate it into dormancy, but it still exists; it still lives within me, even if I choose to ignore it and leave it unattended.

This awakening, along with the patient and loving nudging of wonderful friends, has fueled me to write again, as well as explore other creative endeavors. The unconditional love from my friends has always been an inspiration, and combined with the recent consciousness acquired from my love encounters, a divine tonic was concocted that has resuscitated my creative cells; resurrecting a vital part of myself, and filling my heart with joy.

I am back, people, and I have some stories to tell!

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never miss an opportunity to show your love

It should come as no surprise that I am witnessing a significant shift in my life since I have been focusing on love; and yet, I continue to be astonished. One of the most pleasant surprises has been having people I love visit me in my dreams. Of late my dreams are filled with vivid conversations and interactions with loved ones who have passed on, as well as a few dream encounters with past loves.

Last week my dear friend and sister who passed away a little more than three years ago, came to me in a dream. Rarely a day goes by that I do not think of her. She has been very present in my heart and thoughts the past few weeks, as her 61st birthday was October 13.

My friend and I had a joyous reunion in my dream. I got to tell her how much I love and miss her, which she already knew. I shared with her some of my recent experiences: crossing paths with two of my loves, and how another love also came to me in a dream. I divulged to her my revelation that love is everlasting, and we laughed that I had ever thought otherwise. She encouraged me to continue to focus on love, and promised she would visit again.

I felt such peace and joy to talk with my friend, and every time I think of the dream, I am overwhelmed with emotion. In the process of writing this, I have stopped several times to wipe away tears. We all wish we could have just one more opportunity to spend time with a loved one who has passed. I felt like I received that gift in my dream; it felt that real.

Lies! Lies! All Lies!

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my soul remebers you

After my marriage ended, I briefly attempted dating. I was a single mother in my 40’s with four children, one with a disability. I wasn’t expecting men to line up at my door, but I did hope for a few viable suitors. I anticipated dating would be a bit challenging, but it turned out to be far more complicated than my memories of dating prior to marriage and children.

I had no experience with online dating, and neither did anyone else I knew, but I decided to give it a try. It was hard to keep track of all of the “winks” and emails. After a few dates, I felt like a therapist. My dates wanted to talk about their ex-wives’ lack of appreciation and unrealistic expectations. They seemed to be asking for validation I could not provide. I could barely grasp my own situation at the time. I surmised that a freshly divorced man was not a good date, and that I, a freshly divorced woman, was ill equipped to deal with their emotional needs. I threw in the towel on dating.

Well meaning friends encouraged me not to give up. I fortified my case with mantras such as, “I have a broken picker”, “I am a loser magnet” and “I end up with the wrong men.” I had a negative internal monologue going with regard to my past relationships, and the volume increased as my marriage collapsed. I took inventory of my romances, and told myself I made bad choices. For whatever reason, I created a story that I stuck with for many years, and I went on my merry way.

Fortunately, over time and with a lot of work, I developed a fresh, healthy, positive perspective, and realized that what I had been telling myself simply was not true. I do not have a broken picker; I do not attract losers; and I did not fall in love with the wrong men. Yes, I have had my share of heartbreak and disappointment upon the unraveling of intimate relationships, but it was not a mistake for me to love these men. The truth is, I have been in love with wonderful men: intelligent, funny, handsome, kind, sexy, spiritual, ambitious, creative, and talented men who greatly enriched my life. I am grateful to recognize and celebrate the love I have experienced, and I truly hope there is another great love in store for me.

Dream A Little Dream

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Nearly three years ago I had a dream so vivid it felt prophetic. In my dream, I was deeply in love with a man, and he with me. I had apparently known him for a long time, but we had only recently reconnected and entered into a romantic relationship. He was very familiar to me, but in the dream I could not see his face; I could just feel his loving presence and my deep love for him. Everywhere we went, our mutual friends would say, “I always knew you belonged together,” and we were mystified that no one had previously suggested we should be a pair. We laughed about being so oblivious, because it was so obvious we belonged together.

When I woke from the dream I literally felt like I was in love. I felt connected to something I had not experienced in a very long time, and it was wonderful. I felt inspired and had a huge burst of creativity. For a while I considered the possibility that the dream was prophetic (it felt so real). I made a mental list of men I had known through the years and tried to remember if there were any clues in the dream that I might have overlooked or forgotten. No one came to mind, but the love I felt in that dream stayed with me for several months.

The love dream came to me after many years of being intentionally single and quite happy. Although I was happy, the dream switched on a longing for love and intimacy and I decided I was ready to pursue a romantic relationship. I was fairly certain I wasn’t going to meet anyone in the workplace. Most of my local women friends are considerably younger than I, and I didn’t think it likely they would be introducing me to any potential romantic interests. I decided I would try online dating (again), but life had something else in store for me.

Shortly after making the decision to pursue love, I had a freak accident which resulted in a fractured left hip, requiring major surgery and months of recovery. When I came home from the hospital, I required around-the-clock care which was lovingly provided by my friends and family. It was not the love I had dreamed about, but it was love to be cherished, just the same. At this point, healing my body was my primary focus.

The love dream was put on the back burner, but not forgotten.

Three Years Later…

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love is always the answer

More than three years have passed since I set up this blog, with the intention of writing on a regular basis, and clearly, that did not happen. I do not feel the need to dwell on why I did not follow through. I would much rather write about the topic that has dominated my thoughts for the past few months: LOVE.

Love in its many forms has been a powerful force in my life since the beginning of this past summer. Love is always present in my life; but not with the clarity and intensity that I have recently been experiencing. Do you know when something is happening to you that is different from your normal day-to-day events? Have you had those connect-the-dots experiences, when suddenly you see things so clearly, and you feel liberated and inspired? I am going through this extraordinary process now and I intend to share some of my experiences here.

Stay tuned!